When someone I love is struggling, what can I do?

How do we know what to say or do when someone we care about is going through a difficult time?

when someone you love is struggling. Two people sitting on the waters edge in the shadow

Practical steps to help and when to seek support from a professional, when someone you love is struggling.

How do we know what to say or do when someone we care about is going through a difficult time?

When you notice that someone you love is struggling, it could be because they are withdrawing or becoming easily overwhelmed. Perhaps you’ve noticed they are finding everyday things difficult, or experiencing emotions that seem intense. Sometimes you can’t even put your finger on what it is that you’ve noticed, they might simply seem different to usual.

It is common to worry about saying the wrong thing, too.

Luckily, you’ll often find, one of the most useful things you can do is in being a calm, caring presence. You don’t need to have all the answers.

Why does it feel uncomfortable?

It can be surprisingly difficult to know what to do when someone you care about is deeply distressed. You might go quiet, feel overwhelmed, struggle to find the right words, or even feel unsure whether to move closer or give them space.

This can be a natural response when your nervous system responds to what is happening around you. When someone else’s distress feels intense or unpredictable, your body may temporarily move into a protective state, making it harder to think clearly and decide what to do next.

You might also feel uncomfortable or helpless because you care about the person but don’t know how to make things better.

Moving through the freeze

If you notice yourself freezing, be kind to yourself and remember that you don’t have to come up with the perfect response straight away.

First, give yourself a moment to pause and reconnect with what is happening around you.

Try looking around the room, noticing a few things you can see, feeling your feet against the floor, taking a slow breath or making a small movement such as unclenching your hands. These simple actions help you become more aware of your surroundings and give you more space to think. From there, you may find it easier to respond with the calm and care you intended to offer in the first place.

And remember, you don’t have to fix someone’s distress. Sometimes being present, listening and letting them know you’re there is enough.

Dealing with struggling starts with connection, not solutions

Is your first instinct to try and make things better? Many people find this is the case and have to actively work at resisting those urges.

We might offer advice, suggest what they should do, or start looking for solutions. And yes – sometimes that is the right thing to do. But when someone is overwhelmed, knowing that they have a trusted person who will listen without rushing to fix things can be more helpful.

You could start a conversation with something simple to stay connected:

‘I’ve noticed things seem a bit difficult at the moment. How are you doing?’

Or:

‘I’m here if you want to talk. You don’t have to figure everything out right now.’

Give them space to answer in their own way. They may not even want to talk, or know what they need. That’s ok too.

Keep in mind that listening doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything someone says. It means taking their experience seriously and trying to understand what things are like for them.

Ask, don’t assume

Sometimes we assume we know what someone needs. We can sometimes forget the most obvious way around this too! Always ask rather than thinking you know the answer.

‘Would you like me to listen, or would it be useful to think through some options together?’

‘Is there anything I can take off your plate today?’

‘Would you like some company, or would you rather have some space?’

Giving someone choices helps them stay involved in decisions about their own life and wellbeing.

Support doesn’t always have to be about mental health either. Making dinner, doing the school run, going for a walk together or sitting quietly can all be ways of staying connected.

Making dinner, doing the school run, going for a walk together or sitting quietly can all be ways of staying connected.

You don’t have to understand the struggling

Are you finding it tricky to really ‘get it’?

Perhaps it’s that you see a situation differently, or find their response upsetting.

You might not understand why something feels so difficult for them but you can and should still acknowledge their experience feels real to them.

Acknowledging their experience isn’t the same as telling someone that a view, thought or behaviour is ok. Compassion and boundaries can exist together.

Try saying:

‘I can see this is really difficult for you.’

‘I might not completely understand what this feels like for you, but I’m listening.’

‘What would feel helpful right now?’

Struggling with responsibility and boundaries

One of the hardest things about supporting someone you love can be the feeling that you’re responsible for how they are doing.

Although they might be going through a challenging time, you have to protect your boundaries. Having boundaries in this instance means, that you can care deeply about someone without being responsible for managing their emotions, making their decisions or ensuring that they are always ok.

Family, whānau and the people experiencing mental distress, can benefit from the support of a range of people and services depending on the situation.

Support could include: whānau, friends, a GP, a counsellor, a mental health service, a peer support worker, a kaumātua, cultural support or another trusted person.

You don’t have to be the whole support system. In fact, sharing the responsibility is healthier for everyone!

Make space for the ordinary

It can be easy for every interaction to become about their mental health.

What does making space for the ordinary look like exactly? Connection through ordinary, every day things.

A good way to manage this is to prioritise connection, well before you notice every moment, conversation or thought is being consumed.

Have a cup of tea. Watch something you both enjoy. Go for a hīkoi / walk. Talk about the garden, sport, work, whakapapa, the kids or whatever normally makes up your relationship.

They are more than the difficulties they are experiencing.

Sometimes simply continuing to see and relate to someone as themselves can be an important part of staying connected.

Always ask if you’re worried

You don’t need to be an expert to notice that something isn’t right. It’s important to remember that it’s ok to ask how someone is doing. Asking is helpful for you too because then your worries are less likely to weigh on your mind.

When you get a chance, encourage them to seek support. Offer to help them find information, make an appointment or go with them if they’d like you there. But at the same time, if the situation feels urgent or someone is at immediate risk of harm, you should always seek urgent professional help – don’t try to manage the situation on your own.

You could start the conversation by saying:

‘I’m concerned about you, and I’d like to make sure you’re getting the support you need.’

Remember yourself

Supporting someone through a difficult period can affect your own wellbeing.

You may feel worried, frustrated, tired, helpless or unsure of what to do next. Those feelings don’t mean you don’t care.

Make room for your own support too. Talk with someone you trust, stay connected with your own people and interests, and be clear about what you can realistically offer.

Setting a boundary isn’t abandoning someone.

Sometimes it is what allows a relationship to remain supportive over time.

There’s no perfect way to support someone

Relationships are complicated. Mental health challenges are complicated too.

You are not always going to say the right thing. Frustration might even become your own battle for a while. There are going to be times where you’ll have to assess your own needs which might mean you need to step back for a while. Over time, you might also change your approach as you learn more about what works for the person and for you.

What matters is continuing to approach the relationship with care, curiosity and respect and always reflecting back on what everyone in the relationship might need.

If you’re supporting a family or whānau member who experiences intense or changing emotions, you don’t have to work it all out on your own.

Looking for more support?

Check out the Family Whānau and Friends Support Programme

Equip’s Family Whānau and Friends Support programme is a free, eight-week online programme for family, whānau and friends supporting someone experiencing emotional dysregulation. It provides education, DBT-based skills, opportunities to reflect and share experiences, and connection with others who understand.