When someone you love is struggling, what actually helps?

When someone you care about is struggling with their mental health, you can suddenly find yourself trying to work out what you are supposed to do.

Should you ask more questions?

Give them space?

Encourage them to get help?

Are you supposed to check in every day?

What if they don’t want to talk?

And what if you’re already exhausted yourself?

There really is no perfect script for supporting someone but there are some things that can make difficult times a little bit easier.

Connect, don’t demand

Stay connected without demanding anything. A message doesn’t always need a question at the end of it.

You can say something like,

‘Thinking of you today.’

‘Saying hi, no need to reply.’

‘I’m around if you need me.’

‘I’m heading to the supermarket. Do you need anything?’

These kinds of small messages can keep a connection open without making someone feel they have to explain themselves or engage. It’s light and there’s no pressure.

Ask what would actually help

There’s something you need to know about what you think is helpful.

When someone is struggling, the question ‘What can I do?’ can at times be surprisingly difficult to answer.

You can try offering a couple of specific options instead.

‘Would it help if I brought dinner or gave you some space?‘

‘Would you like company or would you rather I check in tomorrow?‘

‘Can I take something off your plate this week?‘

Practical support can be easier to accept than a big conversation.

Do not make every conversation about mental health

Don’t make every conversation about mental health. If someone is struggling, to have people talking about mental health all the time could become another mental drain. That could be hard to imagine if all you are trying to do is show that you care. But they are still a whole person.

Often our desire to show someone that we are supportive can mean we rehearse conversations. Or perhaps we won’t rehearse situations and our autopilot takes us straight to the topic of the day – their mental health. You could be just the thing that they were needing to take their mind off things for a moment.

Consider other things they might want to talk about.

Perhaps that might be, their kids. Or a favourite TV show.

Could you ask them what happened at work?

Keep things super light and talk about the weather. Dinner. Especially if cooking is something that they love to do.

Maybe you could find a way to keep the conversation about nothing important at all.

Connection isn’t just created through serious conversations.

Sometimes ordinary conversation is exactly what someone needs.

Do not become the entire support system

This one matters a lot.

If you care about someone, it can be easy to slowly take on more and more responsibility.

You might start checking constantly and trying to solve every problem.

It can look like putting your own needs aside and feeling guilty when you need a break.

But being there for someone else doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself.

You can care and still have limits.

You can encourage someone to seek professional support.

You can involve other people when appropriate.

You can take care of yourself too.

Know when more support is needed

Friends and whānau are incredibly important but they’re not a replacement for professional support when someone needs it.

If someone’s mental health is affecting their ability to function, relationships, safety or everyday life, it may be time to bring more support into the picture.

You don’t need to diagnose someone to encourage them to talk with a health professional or support service.

You can simply say:

Things seem really hard at the moment. Would you be open to getting some extra support?

And remember yourself

Supporting someone through a difficult period can affect you too.

You might feel worried. Frustrated. Helpless.Tired. Sad. Angry.

And all of those feelings can exist alongside love.

You’re allowed to have needs too.

You do not have to be endlessly available to prove that you care.

Sometimes belonging is simply staying connected

You can’t always make someone’s situation better or find the right words.

You might not be able to make someone accept help either.

But you can help someone know that they have not disappeared from your world because things are difficult.

You can keep the door open and make the next step a little easier.

Though you should make sure you aren’t carrying it alone either.

If you’re supporting someone and finding things difficult yourself, you can seek support too.

You do not have to wait until things reach crisis point before asking for help.

Find out more about Equip and the support available through our services.