When the changes first began
February 27 was Roger and Marie’s wedding anniversary.
But, this year, Marie didn’t remember.
Ten years earlier, they had stood together surrounded by their adult children, grandchildren, friends, extended family and church community. The day was bright, roses were in bloom, and their children shared heartfelt readings. Everyone celebrated as Roger and Marie joined their lives, bringing new friendships and grandchildren into the family. It was their promise to care for each other through sickness and in health – a truly beautiful day.
The first few years went well – they were happy. Settling into a new city, they became part of the community and enjoyed travelling overseas. But gradually, Roger’s family began to feel uneasy.
Marie started to make decisions that didn’t seem like her. Some felt dishonest and completely out of character. No one quite knew how to talk about it, but there was a growing sense that something wasn’t right.
…it was assumed they were simply seeing a more difficult side of her personality.
Strain on family relationships
Tensions increased when Marie’s interactions with Roger’s children and grandchildren began to change. There were increasing moments of upset. It was hard to align this behaviour with the warm, family-focused woman they had all welcomed. Still, no one wanted to raise concerns directly with Roger, Marie or with Marie’s own children.
One situation in particular caused a deep rift. A family business opportunity was underway – plans were progressing, finances committed, opening day in sight. Then one morning, Marie became convinced they were being scammed. She demanded their investment be returned immediately and could not be reassured by anyone, even Roger.
Careers had already been paused and savings invested by all. The business collapsed before it even began, leaving some family members facing real financial hardship. It was confusing and painful for everyone involved.
Life continued, but the strain remained. One summer, Roger suggested spending Christmas with his children and grandchildren rather than travelling to Marie’s family as they had been. His children made every effort to include her and help her feel at home.
Yet Marie seemed unable to enjoy the celebrations. She found fault in small things, became easily irritated, and withdrew from the joy around her. At the time, it was assumed they were simply seeing a more difficult side of her personality.
She stopped driving, lost interest in her beloved garden, became reluctant to leave the house and some days, refused to walk unaided…
Getting a diagnosis
As the years passed, other changes became harder to ignore. Marie stopped attending church and hosting Bible studies – something that had once been central to her everyday life. She began talking more about her late husband and earlier years than what was happening in the here and now. She stopped driving, lost interest in her beloved garden, became reluctant to leave the house and some days, refused to walk unaided despite being cleared of any obvious physical problems by doctors.
When Roger and Marie had Covid, some of her friends kindly dropped meals at the door. They were only for Marie which surprised Roger. Looking back, Roger reflects that there were days when he didn’t fully exist in her world and realised he didn’t feature in some of her phone conversations with friends.
Eventually, after many difficult appointments and conversations, Marie was diagnosed with dementia.
Receiving the diagnosis brought some relief – but also new challenges. Roger and Marie met with their adult children to help them understand what lay ahead. Roger’s daughter travelled to support the conversation, drawing on her experience of walking alongside her own grandmother through dementia and knowing that Roger would need support also.
One of the difficulties with Marie’s dementia was that, on the surface, she often seemed fine.
Living with dementia day-to-day
Marie’s children found the diagnosis harder to accept. Living further away, they hadn’t witnessed the daily confusion or gradual changes. They were used to Marie staying with them during school holidays to help care for the grandchildren.
Now they were being told she might forget names, could no longer drive, and wasn’t safe to travel alone. This new situation would impact their lives too.
Roger still made the long round trip so she could spend time with them. Connection with family remained important to everyone. However, it soon became clear that Marie was sometimes being left alone with the grandchildren while her adult children were at work. At times she would panic if Roger wasn’t nearby, calling in the middle of the night asking when he was coming to collect her.
One of the difficulties with Marie’s dementia was that, on the surface, she often seemed fine. To her children she still looked like herself – just more anxious, particular and disinterested in activities.
They helped her regain access to social media, hoping it would give her a sense of independence and connection. Instead, she became vulnerable to some significant scams. This became a turning point in helping the wider family understand the impact of her condition.
When more support is needed
Today, Marie receives daily support from a support worker who assists with showering, dressing and other personal tasks. Roger describes Marie’s support person as being like part of their extended family. They will also stay with Marie if Roger needs to run an errand like picking up groceries. Marie can no longer be out in public without someone who can give her their full, undivided attention.
Marie’s dementia tends to progress in stages. Weeks or months may pass with little visible change, then suddenly Roger will notice a significant shift.
Marie has needed 24 hour support to remain independent at home for some time now. So together with family and support services, Roger is beginning to consider what new living arrangements might best support Marie’s well-being and safety and his own limitations.
She had forgotten the date, the wedding, and even why anniversaries are celebrated.
You are not alone
On their anniversary, Roger still woke Marie with roses and a cooked breakfast. She had forgotten the date, the wedding, and even why anniversaries are celebrated.
But this is life now. Tomorrow is always a new day.
In sickness and in health.
Dementia changes many things, but no one has to navigate those changes alone.
With the right support, older adults can continue to experience connection, purpose and care, and families can feel more confident about the path ahead.
If Roger and Marie’s story feels familiar, Equip Older Adults Community Support is here to walk alongside you.
If you are noticing changes in someone you love – confusion, withdrawal, difficulty managing everyday decisions – you may be wondering what to do next.
Support at the right time can make a real difference for both older adults and the people who care about them.
Equip Older Adults Community Support works alongside individuals and families to help maintain safety, connection and wellbeing.
Support options might include:
• Help to remain safely at home
• Guidance when transitioning to new living arrangements
• Strengthening friendships and community connection
• Coordinating with other services involved in care
• Supporting family and friends through changing circumstances
• Optional spiritual support for those who value it
If Roger and Marie’s story feels familiar, you are welcome to reach out.
How to access Equip Older Adults Service
Available on the North Shore, Rodney, Central Auckland and Counties districts, access to this service is via the Co-ordination Service at:
Te Whatu Ora Waitematā
Counties Manukau, or
Te Toka Tumai Older Adults services
If you would like further information, please contact the Older Adults Community Support Work Team.
OAreferrals@equip.net.nz
09 477 0338